Bum Briefing #1

I never thought I would have to talk about my butt so much. My diagnosis came a few weeks ago, and I’ve already lost all dignity and shame. When Beth and I got married, our hashtag was #HappilyEverGullicksons, and as one of our friends put it, we are now entering Happily Ever Gullicksons 3.0, the year of the butt. Even Hailey, our dog, is having sympathetic butt issues… but that’s a whole other story. And, we’ll just try to keep Beth’s butt out of it.

So how did I get here?

I had been having symptoms for a few years, but went in to see the doctor last summer. For months, the symptoms were brushed off as dietary problems, or stress. Let’s face it, last year was stressful and my diet isn’t immaculate… so, it made sense. But, nothing seemed to change. I finally asked my doctor to make a referral to the GI clinic, who scheduled a colonoscopy. I didn’t expect what happened next.

After the colonoscopy, the doctor insisted that I call Beth on speakerphone since I was still pretty dopey from the anesthesia, hindsight should have tipped me off but my brain wasn’t quite firing on all cylinders. This is the indescribable moment when I was told I have cancer and the doctor continued to describe the large tumor that was found. This was the beginning of a terrifying weekend, followed by a barrage of further diagnostic tests and complicated bowel prep. This was also the last time I had any dignity around my butt. From then on I needed to be willing to drop my pants for any number of strangers for various inspections.

First was the CT that next Tuesday. There was some relief after this test when it came back to say there wasn’t any evidence of the cancer spreading to other organs, which took the worst case scenario off the table. Next, was an MRI, followed by a “virtual colonoscopy.” For those of you wondering, no, this was not done over Zoom and it did not involve VR goggles, but it’s actually a high resolution CT scan. This was my first exposure to the new torture called “Scanxiety” where the time before and immediately after a test you have crippling anxiety. I believe they used it at gitmo when water boarding wasn’t working. Hours after the test, I finally got the call, I did not have two cancers; so that was a win. I could finally eat after more than two days. That was the most delicious bagel of my life.

Although when it comes to the other tests, the worst part is that apparently unless you ask, there is no one calling you to translate the test results, so you are basically left to your own devices at interpreting the medical jargon.

It was only two days after the “Virtual Colonoscopy” that we met with the oncologist team. Since this was at a UW Health clinic and not the hospital and it was an oncology consultation visit they allowed Beth to join me. That was great so I could have someone else absorb the firehose of information that was about to come our way.

The oncologist team is as amazing as I thought UW would have. The primary medical oncologist is an associate professor at UW school of medicine, he’s running a research project that I’m volunteering some of my cancer cells to, and he also had the same rectal cancer I have. I’m getting the same treatment he got and one of the chemo drugs was actually invented at the UW.

The treatment I’m facing is four months IV chemo, every other week starting on Monday lasting 46 hours. They will give me two chemo drugs in the office, then send me home with an IV infusion pump. Then a 2-4 week break before 5 1/2 weeks of oral chemo and radiation. Then a 8 week break before surgery to reroute plumbing, I get a temporary ostomy bag for 8-12 weeks followed by the final surgery to remove the bag.

What can you do to help?

We have great friends! And so, this is often the next thing people ask.

Honestly the best thing for you to do is make sure that if you have been putting off any medical visits due to COVID, please go—make an appointment. If you have been having digestive symptoms, get over your embarrassment, and talk to your doctor. If nothing seems to be working, advocate to see a specialist, or get screened.

This is going to be a long year. We don’t really know what we need right now, but all the support has been wonderful. We are grateful to have supportive friends, and supportive work environments. I also have great insurance, and I’m sure I’m in a much better spot than many other people who get this kind of diagnosis.

We will keep everyone posted on if there are specific things we are needing down the road.